A Disturbing Dream (from 6/29/07)

~OR~ The Storm Died I don't know if I should even share this. If you didn't think I was a total freak before, you might now. I would say, and in fact I AM saying, that a good 25 percent of my dreams lately (lately meaning the last 6 months or so) have involved death in some way. I have always occasionally dreamt about someone I know dying... and sometimes when I dream about someone close to me dying, it's accompanied by a deep, wrenching feeling of loss and dispair. Like a piece of my loved one's spirit getting ripped out of me...like quitting sex just before climax....lol (not really). Last night I had a dream about me dying or at least wanting to die. I'm not sure why. I don't think I was particularly depressed or anything in my dream, all I know is that I wanted (needed?) to die. I don't think I had children in the dream, but I was married to Ted. I can't remember all of the details, most of what I recall is just moving around in a blur of colors and people. Shapes would emerge occasionally to affirm whatever environment I believed I was in. In my dream I wanted to die. Somehow or another I got a hold of Stormy and he must have agreed to help me, becuase I found myself sitting opposite him in a diner booth. There were people at the tables around us. I was talking with him about my feelings, I guess, and we agreed that he would shoot me. He produced a small pistol from inside his jacket. We exchanged a few more words and I opened my mouth. I guess he was going to shoot me though my head from inside my mouth. At least, that's what I believed. There was no malice. Only being. Only fact and acceptance. And, believe it or not, friendship. He asked if I was ready. I said yes and closed my eyes but then decided I'd rather die with my eyes open, and opened my eyes at the last minute. I opened my mouth wider and Stormy nodded. He reached accross the table for a moment and held then gun toward me before turning it on himself, putting it in his own mouth and pulling the trigger. I screamed. He wasn't dead yet. He fired the gun again... and I felt that feeling I was describing before. Like a piece of soul, something, was being forcefully removed from me. Pulled from my inner being. He still wasn't dead. He gave the trigger a final squeeze and that ended it. I was in a daze. I was suddenly outside, wandering in the blur, talking to Ted on my cell phone. The next thing I knew, Ted and I were at a sort of wake type thing for Stormy, at someone 's house. I was clutching Ted's hand in mine... knowing that it was my fault... knowing that it was supposed to be me and not him... Phew!! What a strange dream, eh? I don't know how many of you knew it, but I left the Stormy band. We're still great friends and I'm especially friends with his beautiful fiancee', but I wonder if that dream maybe was me separating from his project in my heart or somthing. Weird.